Well hello there. Long time no see. I wonder whether my little slice of internet has been feeling neglected? Perhaps. But now, because of being tagged in a meme by Lara, AKA @apluckyheroine, I’m popping in to drop an alphabet based compendium of me on you.
And so, without further ado, here goes; the A-Z of me…
A is for Atheist – I don’t believe in God, or any of the associated stuff. I don’t mind if other people do, as long as they’re not using it as an excuse to have a fight with someone who holds different views. One life is enough for me, I don’t need a sequel.
B is for Basketball – Tricky one this, because lots of things I really like begin with B. But I couldn’t think of a sneaky synonyms for basketball, so it gets to be B. Basketball is the only team sport I’ve ever enjoyed playing, and I didn’t realise quite how important it was to my wellbeing until I had to stop playing for a while (see K is for…) But now I get to play every week. And lose. Our team hasn’t won a game yet this season.
C is for Cam – Obviously. How could it not be? My little boy. The best thing I’ve ever had a hand in making. Hilarious, beautiful, considerate and clever. Manic, mischievous, infuriating and cheeky. He is more amazing than I have the words to express. I love him.
D is for Dad – This came as a package deal with Cam. I’m his dad. I tell him I love him and he says “thank you”, which is also what he says when I give him a dose of Calpol, or his Weetabix. Being a dad is a huge part of who I am now. The most important job I’ll ever have, and I love doing it.
E is for Eloquent – I’ve lived in the South West of England for almost my entire life. It would be entirely reasonable to assume I sound like a farmer. Thankfully, I don’t.
F is for Facial Hair (I know that’s cheating a bit) – Sneaky synonym number one. I have a beard. Someone once told me I should definitely never get rid of it or “you’d look like someone who touched goats inappropriately”. Now, I’m of the opinion that ANY physical contact with a goat is inappropriate, so I figure I’d better keep the beard. Also I quite like it.
G is for Grilling – Sneaky synonym number two. I don’t mean the function of an oven where you leave the door open. I’m borrowing American terminology. Grilling is barbecue. Proper, delicious barbecue. Slow cooked joints of meat infused with wood smoke and spices, tender to the point of melting in the mouth, slathered in hot barbecue sauces that have you licking the plate clean. If you want some proper barbecue, come to my house, I’d love to cook for you.
H is for Happy – I am, generally, pretty happy. I don’t think I need say any more on the subject.
I is for Ironing – Or, rather, not ironing. The only time I iron anything at the moment is if I’m attending a wedding, christening or funeral. That might all change if I get a job in an office where I have to wear nice shirts, but even if that does happen I’ll still think ironing is one of the most ridiculous activities we undertake as humans.
J is for Junk – I’m a bit of a hoarder of useless crap. Partly this is because I’m quite sentimental, and I attach memories and feelings to physical objects, which then makes it hard to part company with them. On the other hand, I have no such attachment to the Hippo Bag full of gravel which is sat in the lane behind our house, and has done for a number of years. Does anyone want some gravel? Free to collector. Probably contains some cat poo.
K is for Knees – I, like most people, have two of these. Wonderful joint, the knee, until it goes wrong. In 2008 I tore my ACL playing basketball. It’s a serious injury and means your capacity for lateral movement is almost zero. Irritatingly, it also doesn’t heal on its own. A very nice surgeon removed a piece of tendon from my hamstring, drilled a new hole in my tibia and fibula and threaded the piece of tendon through to make me a shiny new ACL. I love it, it means I can do all the things I used to do, but now I appreciate them a lot more. Thank you NHS.
L is for Lefty – I’m left handed. It has had no negative impact on my life, aside from an inability to use scissors, or write with a fountain pen. I am also, politically, left of centre. I like it over here, I think it’s where the nice people are (Disclaimer: there are nice people on the right too, I know some of them)
M is for Misanthropy – You disgust me. Not you personally. You in your capacity as a member of the human race. Sometimes I look at us all, collectively, and think “what the fuck are we doing?”
N is for Nice – I try to be nice to people whenever I can (even though it seems like a massive contradiction to what I’ve put for M). It’s nice to be nice, and it also makes you feel good. I wish more people would try being nice to other people, rather than only being nice to themselves.
O is for Overweight – I could do with losing a few pounds. I have recently dipped back below fourteen stone, which isn’t too bad for a six foot tall man, but I’d like to weigh a bit less.
P is for Pedant – I am prone to pointing out errors in people’s writing. Some people are grateful, others think it makes me a prick.
Q is for Quiet – I am quite quiet in person. It takes me quite a while (or a few quick drinks) to feel sufficiently comfortable to be really chatty with new people in social situations.
R is for Reading – I do like a good read. There isn’t enough time in the world for all the reading I’d like to do. Whether it’s the escapism of fiction or the joy of learning something new in non-fiction, I’m incredibly grateful for whatever evolutionary tweak allows us to have a language and to translate that language into a set of arbitrary symbols which other people can then understand. Wonderful.
S is for Shy - *goes all coy*
T is for Tired – Standard, as I have a young child.
U is for Unemployed – I currently have no job. To be honest, in the short term, it has been quite nice. I’m sure I’ll soon feel differently once the money runs low though. I’d like to work as a Communications Officer, so if you’re hiring one, do let me know…
V is for Velocipede - Bikes are ace. Bikes are fun. Bikes let you go twice as far as walking, for a quarter of the effort. If you ride your bike often enough, you can eat as much cake as you like, and still not be fat. If that’s not a good advert for them, I don’t know what is.
W is for Writing – I like writing. Words are my friends. When I was younger I thought I might be able to write for a living. That didn’t quite pan out, but who knows, maybe it will one day?
X is for Nothing – I know nothing doesn’t begin with X, but neither does anything about me. My car has Xenon headlights, but that’s not even slightly relevant.
Y is for Yet – As in, “I am yet to work out what I really ought to be doing with my life”. Tips on a postcard please.
Z is for Zzzzz – You may be snoring by now, having read all about me, but I’d wager you’re not snoring as loud as I do. Pity my wife.
That was harder than I expected, but quite entertaining. Not only that, while I was writing it I thought of another blog post I could write, so that's nice.